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Lockdown 24 – Jollop

Trump thinks we might be able to inject ourselves with Dettol to kill coronavirus, I didn’t fancy that so I thought I’d look to the past to see how they coped with bad stuff. Because let’s face it, anything’s better than that.

A few hundred years ago there were some good options to cure flu and fever-type symptoms. Here’s the list:

  • Sitting next to an open sewer and breathing in the noxious fumes can help drive out a fever.
  • Mashing up some snails with a marshmallow is also good, and michelin star. 
  • Bloodletting has been popular for thousands of years to cure lots of things, but might leave you feeling a bit drained (pun apology). Alternatively, if cutting into a vein is not your thing, sit in a barrel of leeches for a while.
  • Laxatives have been popular, a big slug of mercury will flush out fevers. There is an important side effect to this that I think you should know about – it will kill you.
  • Rubbing a mixture of onions and a chopped up snake is good for inflammation.
  • Mashing up some snails with a marshmallow is also good, and michelin star. 

To be honest, the Elizabethans could cure most illnesses with a regime of turnips and milk or water and boiled prunes. This is good because when is comes out the other end you will get the benefits of bullet point one, above

If you’re sick of the kids climbing up the curtains and saying I’m bored every seven seconds, the Victorians had some jollup for that. Godfrey’s cordial was a little bit of opium in a syrupy sauce, it was administered to quieten kids down. If administered too much, however, it often quietened them down for good.

During isolation, your mental health is obviously very important. So if things are getting you down, there’s no need to jump straight in and pop a load of pills, in the past torture, regular beatings and cold baths help patients recover very quickly from depression. 

Maybe, like the Georgians, you don’t want an illness to begin with? They inoculated themselves. Simply find a person with coronavirus, extract a chunk of their flesh, rake your skin with a needle and rub the contaminated lump of gristle into it.

Failing all that, do it the Victorian way, drag your pallid complexion and enfeebled limbs to the seaside, gulp down some curative salt air and jog home.

All of these are completely ridiculous but no more so than drinking detergent.

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